A Quality of Presence

I’ve noticed that when my mind is a bit forgetful, or if I have some physical discomfort or pain, my habitual reaction is a tensing up, a feeling of anxiety or panic: ‘Oh dear, what’s happening here?’ There is a kind of mental freezing, but that actually makes things worse. It doesn’t help me, and it doesn’t help the people I’m in contact with because they become tense, anxious and worried as well.

However, if I can just relax and acknowledge what’s happening, I don’t add to the difficulty I might be experiencing. I’m not adding to the concern that other people may feel. It’s as though I’m taking responsibility for what is happening to myself moment by moment, acknowledging, ‘OK, this is how it is right now.’

Because of the ageing process we may make a mistake, forget to do something or get something wrong. But if we can be mindful, present and aware of what’s happened, and just acknowledge what’s happened, there is a chance to correct the mistake, to make amends.

For example, those of you who work in the monastery kitchen meet many people who visit at weekends. They tell you their names and a little about themselves, but then when you meet them three weeks or a month later, you may not remember their name or what it was they told you about themselves. This is because you have met so many people.

It is not easy to remember so many names or to put names to faces. I find that in those situations I have a number of choices. I can try bluffing, pretending that I can remember the person, but usually what works best is just to admit: ‘I really can’t remember having met you before.’ Then they may tell me a little bit about themselves, and that jogs my memory .

Sometimes I can remember them, but I have no idea what their name is or what they do; so then I have to say: ‘Well, I can remember you, but I’m afraid I can’t remember what your name is.’ I find that actually people are very forgiving if I am straight with them and acknowledge: ‘I can’t remember who you are.’ Most people can accept that.

More than our remembering everything about them, what they seem to respond to is the quality of our presence. I remember realizing many years ago, when I was in conversation with somebody, that what was most important for me in relation to that person was not to spend a lot of time in conversation with them or that I wanted them to do anything in particular for me; what I was looking for was simply a quality of presence.

When one is able to fully acknowledge someone’s presence, whatever may be needed can happen in just a few seconds. There is the sense that somebody is right there, present and attending to you; there is a sense of connection.

This reflection by Ajahn Candasiri is from the book The Body, (pdf) pp. 51-53.