Being a Good Friend

So being a good friend is a very skillful practice, one that requires us to make relationship a conscious focus rather than a casual interaction. It also requires us to work on ourselves.

We have to let go of the impatience or the judgemental attitudes and work with the understanding that: ‘This is another person, not the same as me, not fitting in with my mind-sets, yet wanting happiness and needing friendship.’ And of course : ‘They are affected by ignorance, just as I am.’ So we temper warm feelings, criticism and advice with careful, applied wisdom. And it takes work to get that blend and balance.

Friendship arrived at this way is not just an emotional experience. It’s a bond, a commitment in its own right; perhaps the deepest relationship we can have with another person. It deepens us and causes us to train our speech, understand our own emotions and perspectives, and to develop great heart.

In this training, one aspect of mind that has to be brought to the fore is the moral sense. A sense of respecting ethical boundaries: that this is what we do; this is what we don’t do. And we have agreed upon that. Without that, there is no common ground for guidance around behaviour, and respect for others is on a shaky foundation.

In Buddhism we use the five basic precepts to train us in terms of honesty, clarity and non-abuse. So in terms of speech, we commit to not abuse each other, not gossip about each other and to not speak harshly. This is an example of the moral sense; it generates a sense of value. Along with this has to come the heart sense, with its willingness to meet another, and its concern for their well-being. The willingness to meet another is love.

Although love can refer to a very superficial togetherness–with you on a good day, or when it’s fun–the deeper the level at which you meet, and the wider the range of another person’s experience you can be with, the deeper and stronger the love. This basic love, or mettā, means at this moment I’m not pulling away from you, manipulating you, or shielding myself from you. I’m not fearful; I’m not averse; I’m willing to meet you.

Just this is powerful and shouldn’t be underestimated. How much of another person’s mind can you be with?

Well, it certainly gets easier if a person has trained themselves with the five precepts! And without those precepts, it might not even be possible to meet at any depth; one’s own heart can get abused.

This reflection by Ajahn Sucitto is from the article “The Good Friend,” [(pdf) pgs. 4-5.]