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Several years ago I was at Abhayagiri and had the opportunity to see Ruth Denison, my heart teacher, who was visiting for the day. After the meal I sat with Ruth, guests and members of the community. We were relaxed, comfortable and glad to be with each other.

Ruth asked me the meaning of “Mettika.” I said that it means, “One with loving kindness,” taken from the word “mettā.” Then Ajahn Amaro said in his inimitable way, “We couldn’t find the Pāli word for ‘grumpy’.>” Everyone laughed, including moi.

The next week I was back at the monastery and Ajahn Amaro said they had found the Pāli word for “grumpy.” I asked what it was. Ajahn replied, “Dosika.” In the far back of my mind I knew the word but didn’t want to wait for the definition to arise. Ajahn provided it for me: “One filled with aversion.”

Everything went still and quiet. This was the perfect opportunity for Māra to slip in, as quick as a flash, and fill my heart with overwhelming fear, shame, pride and embarrassment. Māra is the great master of doubt, shame, fear, confusion, denial, angst, stress, greed, anger and delusion. “Ajahn really does know all my nasty qualities,” I thought.

For the next several weeks, meditation and everyday thoughts were filled with the concept of dosika. Scenes of anger manifesting in thoughts, words and actions arose and passed away rapidly. It was very painful to remember these events.

A few weeks later I was at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in training with 60 other people from all over the country. I walked out of the dark interior of a building into the brilliant sunshine and saw Ajahn Amaro sitting on a bench at a picnic table directly facing me. He greeted me with, “Hello Dosika.” ARGHH.

I went home and reflected deeply on dosa/dosika and realized that anger was part of the three poisons and it was everyone’s responsibility to deal with these poisons. The Buddha’s teachings offer the perfect way to train the mind and heart toward wholesome Page 2 of 2

thoughts, words and deeds. I realized that mettā/mettika was the wholesome side of the picture and dosa/dosika was the unwholesome. It could be called the shadow side of personality. It runs on automatic pilot, difficult to see in yourself, but obvious to everyone else.

At that point in time I made the intention to work with the wholesome and unwholesome through the use of my name. So now when I realize that something I think, say or do could be more skillful I can use the words “mettika” and “dosika” and act accordingly. Ajahn Amaro has never again called me that name beginning with a “D.”