The mind has been pouting more than usual lately. It isn't very fond of humid weather. It dredges through the day lamenting about how terribly uncomfortable it is to have a sticky, greasy feeling body. It doesn't like to sweat while doing nothing in the shade.

The cat here at Bhavana is old and senile. If he realizes that nobody else is around he cries and cries. It sounds as though he has come to some terrible injury, but if you peek out at him there is nothing wrong. The mind has been behaving in exactly the same way. It seems to be set on making itself suffer over something beyond its control. It needs constant reminding that this is not the end of the world. I had forgotten how strong the aversion to sweaty weather was after living in arid climates for so long and never spending summers in this climate.

Many people have commended me for my patience, but though outwardly I may have control most of the time, inwardly it is much different. I can be especially impatient with myself. The practice of meditation can often go at a very slow plodding pace and I get impatient and that leads to anger.

The other day I caught myself entrenched in a Very Important Thought, so important that a few minutes later I had completely forgotten it. Regardless of the daydream impatience arose at my lack of mindfulness. I realized that far from helpful this inner impatience was a form of mental violence directed at myself, leading to self-hate. Then I reflected on all the times in my life I have witnessed outbursts of mental, verbal and physical violence and how many times those outbursts have been linked to impatience. This in turn led to the contemplation of patience and how to develop the habit of patience in this life. I saw how many of the moral precepts that I keep lead the mind away from impatient acts.

Everyday I lift up my cushion to make sure that no insect or spider has climbed under it. I watch where I step so that I can avoid smashing anyone under my foot. I do not swat flies or mosquitoes. When I drive I drive slower so that I do not hit wildlife on the road, and also so that I do not cause an accident that could kill other humans. I try to take as many precautions as I can to insure that I harm no living being. The rule is specifically focused on intentional acts of killing, however many unintentional acts could be prevented with being mindful of your surroundings. This practice is opposite of how I lived before Buddhism. I wanted to get where I was going fast, I wanted those mosquitoes off of me now! Roaches and wasps, where’s the Raid? All of this was the product of an impatient attitude. But through the precept of non-harming I have been able to check the outer expression of impatience and have an insight on the inner.

Patience is sometimes misunderstood to be sitting miserably through whatever life throws at you. That is not patience. That is an endurance based in self-centered views. Patience comes from a different view. It comes from a self-less view where no one is there to endure anything. It is an accepting of the conditions of the present moment a letting go of preferences.

Perhaps you think that I am crazy to be so concerned over the welfare of insects, but acting appropriately towards insects also paves the way for acting appropriately toward a species that can be infinitely more irritating, human beings. Being a member of that species, my habits and idiosyncrasies irritate me a great deal. I am sure that any who know me well have also found these faults to be irritating from time to time.

There is a dark comedy to impatience. It is the product of desiring happiness and in only leads to anger, ill will and violence. How happy is an impatient mind?

Every aspect of this walk has taught me to cultivate more patience with myself and with others. It has shaken off some of the desire to have things my way. Mono continues to hammer the lesson into my head with waves of energy and fatigue rolling through everyday. I keep thinking I am coming out of the shadow of illness only to be overtaken once again. I am slowly learning to let go and be patient when things are not going my way.