There are times that I direct a lot of energy out and there are times that I direct a lot of energy in. Writing is an outward push and recently I have been focused on the inner life and not so much the outer.

Inner work is often hard to write about because sometimes there are not words to describe what is happening and it is very poor taste to boast about any kind of spiritual attainment. The very act of boasting shows that whatever you may have attained it sure wasn’t enough to push you out of selfish views.

I was recently trying really hard to attain jhana, or absorption. It is a state of deep concentration where one becomes completely absorbed in the object of meditation. In order to reach this state there are five hindrances of the mind that must fall away: sensual desire, ill will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry, and doubt. Jhana is supposed to be very blissful and it is useful in that it makes the mind like a microscope. It can focus very pointedly on the present moment and allow deep insight to arise. People often attain jhana and think that they are enlightened, but this is not the case it is just another step on the path. Any time that someone says they are trying really hard to attain something in meditation they have set themselves up for failure.

I spoke over the phone with Ajahn Pasanno about the struggles I was having with meditation. He said that the very desire to attain something was what was keeping me from it. I had forgotten the most basic requirement of the Buddha’s teaching, let go. This simple instruction led to a whole new way in which I practice. I consciously let go in meditation, and though I did not attain jhana the mind was no longer striving. A sense of peace in the present moment arose. It was not complete peace, but it was more than the striving mind was capable of. Then a realization occurred. I looked into the nature of the peace and I realized that it manifested as the four sublime abides lovingkindness, compassion, covet-less-ness, and equanimity. These are qualities of the mind that before I had always been generating. I thought that they took some doing to be present, but that is not so. If you let go of the self they are right there. They arise in absence of the negative qualities that are their opposites.

This realization changed the way that I looked at meditation and at mindfulness practice. I had always practiced bare awareness of the present moment without connecting it to peace. It was a very mechanical practice and I was doing a lot to be mindful, rather than letting go of a lot to be mindful. I kept thinking that there were different parts to the practice, concentration, insight, the four sublime abides and mindfulness. I had them very separated, I thought they were like oil and water and that they didn’t mix. I was wrong they are all aspects of one practice and blending them together is very beneficial.

After meditation that night I found myself entrenched in the normal sufferings of the mind, and I thought, “Let go,” and the mind released and I was at ease. The next day I dedicated my yoga practice to the welfare of all living beings and let go of “me” and “mine” suddenly all the struggle was gone. “I” was no longer doing yoga. Though the body is still tight I found it could go deeper into the postures and the breath stayed calm and even. My yoga instructor always says create space in the body. It is easy to think that it is just a matter of semantics, rather than stretching we are creating space, but that is not the case. Creating space is a form of mental flexibility; it is an act of letting go of the attachment to the body. Create space in the mind and you will create space in the body.

During the meal I dedicated to action of eating to the welfare of all living beings and then dedicated the act of cleaning my bowl to the welfare of all living beings. I was not eating to feed myself, nor washing to clean my bowl. I was eating to give the body, which is my form in this lifetime, proper nourishment so that spiritual practice can continue. Rather than rolling through all selfish desires to get on to the next thing I let myself be present cleaning the bowl. The Buddha teaches that all is transitory, unsatisfactory and not-self. Dedicating all the activities of the day to the welfare of all beings creates space around the selfish patterns that cause all of our suffering. When you let go and let peace arise joy comes along with it. Whatever you do in that peaceful state is joyous, be it eating a bowl of ice cream or cleaning a neglected toilet bowl. I often get upset at home when I only have so much time and energy and there is a big pile of dishes to do, or many other activities and I don’t have time to sit and meditate. What if I approach all those activities not from a selfish place, but what if I do all of these mundane activities with lovingkindness?

I have plenty of moments everyday that I miss the mark. If fact most of the time I am acting out of the self-centered view. It is an old habit and it will be hard to break, but just catching the mind in the act is part of the training. Day by day one can expand the periods of mindfulness.

In this journal and all along the walk the act of generosity and the act of gratitude have been key elements of the experience. The question has now arisen in my mind how can I give in every moment? I have seen that acts of generosity no matter how small create peace not only in the mind of the giver, but also in the mind of the receiver. Thus, generosity creates a peaceful world. Often when I do a little act of generosity like washing a senior monk’s bowl the mind is trying to find a way to get out of doing it because it has Much More Important Things To Do. The act of generosity puts all those self-centered activities to the side for the benefit of another being.

I offer this up for reflection. I hope that these words are helpful to others.